


Shatter Me

by HarpforHim



Series: From Kenobi’s Point of View [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Council Chamber Scene, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan’s POV, Oblivious Qui-Gon, Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi, Sad Obi-Wan Kenobi, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:48:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26863159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarpforHim/pseuds/HarpforHim
Summary: “Until that moment, I had never truly known what it felt like to have one’s heart break. When mine broke, it came with the sickening premonition that it wouldn’t be the last time.”The infamous Council Chamber Scene written from a young Obi-Wan Kenobi’s point-of-view.
Relationships: Qui-Gon Jinn & Obi-Wan Kenobi
Series: From Kenobi’s Point of View [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2021438
Comments: 2
Kudos: 103





	Shatter Me

It was supposed to be a simple mission, just one of the many my Master and I have tackled together. A blockade, a world in need, and a short negotiation to fix it all.

Even when it grew more and more complex, I thought everything would still turn out all right in the end. My Master and I would return to the Temple for a brief rest period before launching into our next mission from the Council, and everyone we'd met along the way would go back to their own lives.

It was the same routine, a routine I knew—loved, even. One I thought would only be broken by my eventual Knighting.

Then, with seven simple words on a no-longer-simple mission, my beautiful life shattered.

"I take Anakin as my Padawan learner."

Until that moment, I had never truly known what it felt like to have one's heart break. When mine broke, it came with the sickening premonition that it wouldn't be the last time.

My entire body stiffened at the seemingly reckless declaration. Ever since the very beginning of my Jedi apprenticeship to Master Jinn, there was a small part of me that wondered how long it would truly last. As the years aged and wisened us both, I'd slowly learn to bury this fear. I never thought it might one day resurface.

And not once did I ever truly believe it would become my reality, which is why I found myself so unprepared in that moment of truth.

Did he know the full implications of his statement? And had my Master ever truly cared for me? If he had, he wouldn't have found it so easy to discard me.

Like I was nothing. Like I meant _nothing_.

 _Or perhaps,_ I tried to reason with myself, with my whirling thoughts, _this_ _ **is**_ _a difficult decision for him. Perhaps he still wishes to keep me as his Padawan, but he… He has to train the Chosen One because no one else will. No one else will…_

"An apprentice, you have, Qui-Gon," Master Yoda began, his expression betraying no emotion. "Impossible, to take on a second."

"The code forbids it," Master Windu added rather nonchalantly.

 _Yes, the code forbids it, can't you see?_ But all I could see of my Master's face was its side. I tried our bond, probing lightly at the one thing that still wholly connected us. _The code forbids…_

But I was met with nothing. His shields were firmly in place; his thoughts and emotions concealed from me.

_Can you not see what you're trying to do? What you're_ _**truly** _ _trying to do?_

I could tell without even looking at him that Master Qui-Gon could _not_ see. He was blind to the harm he was causing, to the relationship he would quite possibly be severing, to the heart he was shattering into pieces.

Blind to everything but that blasted boy, on whose shoulders he so fondly rested his hands.

_As if they've known each other a lifetime already._

When Master Qui-Gon spoke again, his words only added to my rising confusion. "Obi-Wan is ready—"

 _What?_ To this day, I still wonder if my shock was apparent to the circle of council members. I simply couldn't reign in my emotions in time and I felt a flicker of astonishment take hold of my once stoic face, but only for a moment. _Only for a moment…_

As my Master so confidently stared the council members in the eyes, I couldn't help but recall another meeting in another time. A meeting that felt so far away, so out of reach, yet it couldn't have been more than three standard weeks ago.

I recalled my Master and I standing before the council.

I remembered Qui-Gon's words: "He isn't yet ready to face the trials. There is still much for him to learn, and,"—Here, he gave me the faintest of smiles; even now I can still feel its warmth—"there is still much I can learn from him."

Despite the obvious compliment, I remember raging inwardly at such a declaration. I had thought myself ready, considered myself capable of any and every Jedi trial known to the Order.

However, in that tense, suffocating moment in which I was forced to grapple for what was rightfully mine with a boy from No Man's Land, I felt the furthest from ready anyone could ever be. And I realized with a sharp pang that it wasn't the technical, skill-testing part I wasn't ready for. No, I wasn't prepared to be on my own; to separate from the man I'd spent nearly every day of the last twenty-two years alongside.

From the only real father I'd ever known.

And yet, I spoke out—against my better judgement, mind you. Against every thought that raged in my head. In the end, I suppose it was due to the fact that I couldn't stand the silence. My Master expected me to back him up on his outrageous claim, and I, playing the part of the ever dutiful Padawan, raised my voice in agreement when I would have liked so very much to scream in his face.

_Can you not see the pieces falling from my heart? Can you not see the pain swimming about my eyes?_

_Did you not know…? After all these years, did you not know how desperately I feared for this day? How greatly I fear rejection?_

"I _am_ ready to face the trials." My voice sounded foreign to my own ears, but I was pleased with how steady the words had come out; how serene and unaffected I must have sounded to the council.

Even if my eyes swam with the deepest of hurts, my face said otherwise.

Master Yoda addressed Qui-Gon as if I hadn't made a sound, and that cut deeper than I would ever care to admit. "Our own council, we will keep, on who is ready."

I took a step back, instantly subdued by the Grand Master's statement. _Well, it was worth a try, anyway._

"He is headstrong," Master Qui-Gon continued, no doubt attempting to compensate for my impertinence, "and he has much to learn about the living Force, but he is capable. There is little more he will learn from me."

Oh, how only a few days—a few _hours_ —could change one's perspective.

 _Whatever happened to "he isn't ready"? And "You still have much to learn, Obi-Wan"? Have I grown so much in the past few weeks, Master, that you now think me beyond anything you have to offer? Anything you have to teach?_ I fixed my eyes on the far wall, keeping my expression passive, neutral. _Well, isn't it a good thing you've found a new pupil. You can start over again. And perhaps this one won't disappoint you._

Then, he looked at me, and for a brief moment, I wanted to let him in; to break down my mental shields and ask him why, why, _why_ through our bond.

But I merely returned the glance before shifting my attention back to Master Yoda, who still had more to say, apparently.

"Young Skywalker's fate will be decided later."

At this, I had to stifle a sigh, though I don't think I was very successful because Master Yaddle flashed me a sympathetic look.

Only, I didn't need sympathy, nor did I want it.

I wanted my Master—I _needed_ my Master. I needed him not to need that boy. That intrusive, adorable, important little desert boy.

I needed him to need _me_. And it was becoming clearer with each passing second that he didn't; that our personal goals and needs no longer aligned.

Master Qui-Gon needed to train the prophesied Chosen One.

And I just needed my Master…

To need me. Like he used to. Like he—

"Now is not the time for this." Master Windu's tone was calm, yet decisive, leaving no room for argument. I hoped my Master wouldn't press the subject. "The Senate is voting for a new Supreme Chancellor and Queen Amidala is returning home, which will put pressure on the Federation and could widen the confrontation…"

"And draw out the Queen's attacker," Ki-Adi-Mundi added.

It was logical; it was the mission, but I was no longer listening. I couldn't move past the conversation that the council had effectively brought to an abrupt end. I needed closure.

I needed to know where I stood with my Master. Was I still his apprentice? Or would he replace me with the boy no matter what the council said?

 _The word of the council never seemed to stand in his way before…_ And it wasn't the first time Master Qui-Gon's maverick ways got on my nerves.

Only this time, more than mere annoyance coated my soul. Betrayal, envy, and fear all twisted themselves around my heart, squeezing until I was sure it would stop beating altogether. _Or explode. That's always a thought._

"Go with the Queen to Naboo and discover the identity of the dark warrior," Master Windu commissioner. "This is the clue we need to unravel this mystery of the Sith."

And just like that, we were all dismissed, bowing as Master Yoda lightly tapped his gimer stick on the ground.

"May the Force be with you."

 _Yes,_ I recall musing as I preceded my Master and the boy out the door, gulping in the fresh air outside the suffocating council chamber. _May the Force be with us all._


End file.
